Rabbit in Your Headlights

So here it is, my first post. Exciting eh? Well life has been stranger than normal lately. I remember suffering from slight insomnia at least back to 9Th grade maybe earlier, usually my problems are limited to falling asleep. Although i have had insomnia for quite a while it has never been as bad as it has been lately. A dashed attempt the other night was made to fix my problem via staying awake for 24 hours. It seems as if some higher power refuses me the simple pleasure of sleep. I tend to be awake nights till at least 5am whether i like it or not. The strange part is when I'm home i work full time 7am till 3:30pm and i sleep like a baby evenings. There were a few nights this past break where i passed out at 8pm to wake up at 6, besides not seeing much of my best friends it was wonderful. What i would give to get that back. The increased severity of my problem has caused me to finally start taking sleeping pills however it seems to be a mixed blessing. In short i sleep a hell of a lot on the weekends, I'm awake a hell of a lot at nights, and i have been missing a hell of a lot of my early classes. Besides the screwed up sleeping schedule life has been OK albeit frustrating. It seems nearly impossible to find love in this world and at the same time i am surrounded by it. It's one of those feeling alone in a crowd full of people feelings. I have an upsetting tendency of being a romantic and easily falling in love, up until now it hasn't been returned. However this year brought new hope into life but after all was said and done it ended up being too good to be true. Now i don't believe in god, but if there is an all powerful being whether it be Krishna, Buddha, Muhammad, or god they sure do love toying with me. It seems as though as soon as a ray of hope comes into my life as far as finding love again no sooner do i accept it in when it comes crashing down. This is a pattern that keeps replaying through my life. Maybe it's where i live, maybe it's my personality, maybe nice guys always do finish last but whatever the reason i feel stuck in an eternal lonely loop of disappointment. I feel as though life is stagnant as if i am in a cell in some war prison. Soon i will graduate and although the idea of moving to somewhere new and starting from scratch kinda scares me i think its what i need. I need to meet new people, people that aren't in my classes, that aren't overly obsessed with going drinking with their girls this weekend. Maturity seems to be something that is severely lacking on college campuses; sweat pants, blond hair, and long island accents are a rampant virus on our campus and it gets old fast. I have no real direction or drive in my life, right now my only real goals in life are moving (perhaps to Boston) and the consideration of hiring some professional help to see if i really need it. I suppose life wouldn't tear me down so much if i had somebody to lean on and pull me up out of the muck but i don't, chances looked promising and they still may i haven't completely given up but I've stepped back. Pursuing and being persistent never seems to get me anywhere anymore, i just seem to set myself up over and over for rejection. I'll keep myself open and hope for the best. It's amazing how much of my life is in the power of time and luck. I've had such bad luck in life for so long I'm still holding out on the idea that it will someday change. So that's about all, there's nothing to report on. Future posts will probably be full of music and or movie reviews I'm sure.

"May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!"