"Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."

So it's time for a bit of a self healing rant about love in general. I want to try to limit my complaining about women/love/relationships just because i feel like an idiot but i suppose it does count as self healing. So i haven't personaly been in a relationship for at least two years now, between my time spent single and more unrequited loves in my life than i can count on one hand i've had a rough time of love. I used to be a huge romantic i really was. In highschool before i realized how bitter and illogical love is i was a big time supporter of love at first site, romance etc.. i used to read romeo and juliet and the beatles now i listen to Nine Inch Nails. So for some reason for the past couple of weeks it has been incredibly easy for me to slip into depression. I'm starting to believe it is tied in with some other medical issues i have and a warning sign of things to come but not sure. Unrequited love seems to be the daily special everyday; I continually take chances on women i find attractive, end up falling for them, and tend to be left a month or so later with unrequited love and maybe a little less money from wasted dinners or movies.

If only women walked around with an "i'm interested" sign life would be easier, for the first time in quite a while i met a woman towards the end of last semmester that was genuinly interested in me. We have loads in common, there's no question about attraction, she loves talking to me and said she likes me and yet somehow that's not enough to warrant a simple kiss or going out. I should be more warry about women telling me they're attracted to me and or that they like me, i've been lied to in the past for stupid immature reasons. I'm just growing very sick of maybe and what ifs, i see friends and strangers happily in love and they make it so easy...why is it so difficult for me to find a decent girlfriend? It's not that i need a relationship to live, it's just that when i'm in love and in a relationship it's a happiness that nothing else touches it's like a drug and i've been addicted since the first time i said "i love you". College seemed like the best possible place to meet women what with classes and being sorrounded by at least a thousand people but it's not the case. It's like living in New York, everyone is so focused on their own life their own problems that they aren't willing to even remotely open up to anybody around them. It doesn't pay to be an honest, caring, loving guy in this world anymore, i would say being an asshole is what women want but that's not even always true. Any comments on the current situation would be appreciated, like i said she's been honest with her feelings (another reason she's so special) and i've been honest with mine and we agree on everything except she doesn't seem to feel a relationship spark. How somebody can find somebody unbelievably attractive, automatically smile whenever they're around and want to talk to them all the time and yet claim there's no spark is beyond me. I know things will change, i know i won't be alone forever, and i know i'll move to Boston and probably find the woman of my dreams but right now my one wish is to be with the woman whose invading my dreams currently. That's enough ranting for now. I promise these sappy ass whiney rants about love won't happen often. It's time for a cigarette in the snow. Ciao

"A woman's heart is as fickle as the sky of Ganymede."

It must be my birthday

So today has been good and bad, i missed a few more classes today including my Hinduism, Buddhism, and Taoism night class for the first time but shit happens. I finally managed to fall asleep last night at 2 but for some reason i slept most of the day anyway.

Besides missing class i picked up three movies which i had previously ordered, Stop Making Sense the Talking Heads DVD, Lady in the Water, and The Science of Sleep. So far i have watched stop making sense and lady in the water tonight alone. The Talking Heads dvd is amazing and David Byrnes dancing in an oversized suit really is the icing on the cake though as far as visuals i still think David Bowies Reality dvd is better. I still love Lady in the Water even though the rest of the world seems to despise that movie. It seems as if there is no place left for bedtime stories anymore. I also enjoyed The Village by M. Night Shyamalan however the twist ruined its replay value though that movie had me on edge the first tiem i saw it and i can't even remember the last movie that did that. I enjoy the fact that there is no really huge lame twist in Lady in the Water and it makes watching it again much more likely. I have yet to watch the Science of Sleep mostly becuase i want to wait for some specific company while watching it, though it is a Michel Gondry film about unrequited love and dreams so i'm absolutely sure i'll love it.

According to the weather man we have a huge snow storm coming in tonight, i'm keeping my fingers crossed that there will be no fencing tomorrow.. not because i don't enjoy fencing mind you but because i need to spend tomorrow reading (or telling myself to read). Now to spend tonight trying not to break down and watch The Science of Sleep..though i probably will anyway.

May the Schwartz be with you.

Reminiscing

So even though life here at college has been kinda sucky lately life in general has thrown a few surprises my way. A girl i used to work at McDonald's with messaged me for the first time in years a couple nights ago and i must say it was a pleasant surprise. We were quite the team back in those days (all five years ago) we got along great, had some hilarious times, and flirted like crazy but we were "grill buddies". Its great talking to her again although she has moved on with her life and now has a baby and a fiance while I'm still the same me though I've changed quite a bit. I can never quite get over how much i feel like I've changed. I used to only listen to oldies/classic rock, i used to wear khakis and sweaters, i would never drink or smoke and now look at me. It always makes me happy when somebody i graduated with runs into me at home and is surprised at how much I've changed, really I've just become the real me. It's good to keep in touch with old friends, and i look foreword to seeing her and maybe enjoying her reaction.

On another note a friend pointed me to the uncyclopedia which is basically a mockery of wikipedia but hilarious. I highly recommend everyone checks it out. Also there's the guys over at The Lonely Island which is a bit more of that look back at old times with friends. The dudes from the lonely island are currently the creative geniuses behind all the best SNL digital shorts including Dick in a Box, and Laser Cats. If you enjoyed Dick in a Box (which i know you did) go check out The Lonely Island for some extended laughs. That's it for tonight, I'm planning on waking up at 11 tomorrow to go get some fresh bagels with friends instead of sleeping till 2 so maaaaybe I'll start fixing that sleeping issue.

Rabbit in Your Headlights

So here it is, my first post. Exciting eh? Well life has been stranger than normal lately. I remember suffering from slight insomnia at least back to 9Th grade maybe earlier, usually my problems are limited to falling asleep. Although i have had insomnia for quite a while it has never been as bad as it has been lately. A dashed attempt the other night was made to fix my problem via staying awake for 24 hours. It seems as if some higher power refuses me the simple pleasure of sleep. I tend to be awake nights till at least 5am whether i like it or not. The strange part is when I'm home i work full time 7am till 3:30pm and i sleep like a baby evenings. There were a few nights this past break where i passed out at 8pm to wake up at 6, besides not seeing much of my best friends it was wonderful. What i would give to get that back. The increased severity of my problem has caused me to finally start taking sleeping pills however it seems to be a mixed blessing. In short i sleep a hell of a lot on the weekends, I'm awake a hell of a lot at nights, and i have been missing a hell of a lot of my early classes. Besides the screwed up sleeping schedule life has been OK albeit frustrating. It seems nearly impossible to find love in this world and at the same time i am surrounded by it. It's one of those feeling alone in a crowd full of people feelings. I have an upsetting tendency of being a romantic and easily falling in love, up until now it hasn't been returned. However this year brought new hope into life but after all was said and done it ended up being too good to be true. Now i don't believe in god, but if there is an all powerful being whether it be Krishna, Buddha, Muhammad, or god they sure do love toying with me. It seems as though as soon as a ray of hope comes into my life as far as finding love again no sooner do i accept it in when it comes crashing down. This is a pattern that keeps replaying through my life. Maybe it's where i live, maybe it's my personality, maybe nice guys always do finish last but whatever the reason i feel stuck in an eternal lonely loop of disappointment. I feel as though life is stagnant as if i am in a cell in some war prison. Soon i will graduate and although the idea of moving to somewhere new and starting from scratch kinda scares me i think its what i need. I need to meet new people, people that aren't in my classes, that aren't overly obsessed with going drinking with their girls this weekend. Maturity seems to be something that is severely lacking on college campuses; sweat pants, blond hair, and long island accents are a rampant virus on our campus and it gets old fast. I have no real direction or drive in my life, right now my only real goals in life are moving (perhaps to Boston) and the consideration of hiring some professional help to see if i really need it. I suppose life wouldn't tear me down so much if i had somebody to lean on and pull me up out of the muck but i don't, chances looked promising and they still may i haven't completely given up but I've stepped back. Pursuing and being persistent never seems to get me anywhere anymore, i just seem to set myself up over and over for rejection. I'll keep myself open and hope for the best. It's amazing how much of my life is in the power of time and luck. I've had such bad luck in life for so long I'm still holding out on the idea that it will someday change. So that's about all, there's nothing to report on. Future posts will probably be full of music and or movie reviews I'm sure.

"May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!"